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Guy Who Drank Strong Coffee vs Top Tier Armor Guy
Description "Hey, dude, do you think this coffee is strong?" vs "When your armor doesn't match but it gives you the best stats". This is the 1st joke matchup by ArbitraryNumbers. Work in progress. Interlude We don't know the real names of our combatants, here, and it's going to get pretty tiring for me to keep typing their full unofficial names (which I gave them, of course) over and over again, so let's call them "Coffee Guy" and "Armor Guy" for short. As Coffee Guy was drinking some new REALLY strong coffee at Starbucks that he bought for $35.99 (It was Hot Spicy Toothpaste and Orange Juice Supreme, just fyi), it came to his attention that the stickiness of his current pair of googly eyes was wearing off. He figured he'd head to Dollar General and get some more. "...Right after I buy another cup of Hot Spicy Toothpaste and Orange Juice Supreme flavor coffee", he thought to himself. Coffee Guy walked up to the counter, still a little grouchy from how awful and tedious it was for him to get out of bed at 5 in the morning to watch Gargoyles ''on Netflix. When he rang the bell, expecting for a worker to come up and take his order, a strange and mysterious figure appeared, and sprung up onto the counter, ready for battle. "MY ARMOR IS TOP CLASS", the man in his 20s squealed at the top of his lungs. It was Armor Guy. He was wearing his usual getup: Jeans, brown dress shoes, latex rubber penguin mask concealing his face, plastic blue lightsaber, and a small hexagonal coffee table that he was wearing like a turtle shell. Of course, Coffee Guy didn't notice his attire because he always closes his eyes in order to wear the googly eyes properly. Coffee Guy tried his hardest to ignore him. "Cool, can I just have my cup of ''Hot Spicy Toothpaste and Orange Juice Supreme flavor coffee?" Coffee guy asked, "I have the 40 dollars, and you don't have to give me change. I made bank at the lottery yesterday." Armor Guy ignored him right back. "MY ARMOR IS TOP CLASS." Apparently, Armor Guy had already pillaged everyone in the entire restaurant, including the staff. But of course, Coffee Guy didn't notice because his eyes were closed. But either way, Coffee Guy was getting a little irritated. He'd already had a lousy day, as his nostalgic marathon of Gargoyles turned out to not be as good as his seven-year-old mind thought it was way back then, and now he has to deal with THIS lunatic, and he won't stop screaming. "MY ARMOR IS TOP CLASS." On the other hand, Armor Guy was getting frustrated as well. He'd already committed a mini-mass genocide on all of the white ladies at Starbucks in an attempt to get this guy to acknowledge his Top-Class armor, but he just wouldn't open his eyes. "HEY GARFIELD INCARNATE, IF YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES, I'LL OPEN 'EM FOR YOU!" Armor guy shouted, "FOR MY ARMOR IS TOP CLASS. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE FOR YOURSELF." It appeared that Armor Guy just didn't want to move out of the way, or even give Coffee Guy his cup of Hot Spicy Toothpaste and Orange Juice Supreme flavor coffee. For a moment, he was tired and grouchy from his disappointingly crappy Monday-Morning Marathon of Gargoyles, but then at the very next moment, he felt the Hot Spicy Toothepaste and Orange Juice Supreme flavor coffee running through his veins. Right then and there, the Hot Spicy Toothpaste and Orange Juice Supreme flavor coffee had kicked in at just the right time. No. This isn't luck. This isn't coincidence. This is destiny! These two were destined from birth to fight to the border of death in this very Starbucks restaurant! "OPEN YOUR EYES AND EXAMINE MY GLORIOUS VISAGE BEFORE I EXAMINE YOUR DEATH CERTIFICATE!" "Not until I get my Hot Spicy Toothpaste and Orange Juice Supreme ''flavor coffee!" MELEE THIS IS GONNA BE A MATCH TO FORGET! FIGHT! '''60 seconds remain.' The effects of the caffeine in Coffee Guy's Hot Spicy Toothpase and Orange Juice Supreme flavor coffee allowed him to make the first move. He sprung up onto the counter and wailed on Armor Guy's Top-Class hexagonal coffee table "chestplate" with a flurry of punches that would make Star Platinum jealous, but to no avail. That table was just too powerful! He had to think of away to bypass the durability of this aptly-aliased "Top-Class Armor". But just before Coffee Guy could think of a better strategy, Armor Guy retaliated and caught him off guard with a few sissy-slaps across the face. Got 'em. "I'LL DECK YA RIGHT INNA JAW!" as a followup to the triple sissy-slap combo, Armor Guy readied his arms, legs and hips in order to prepare for a proper uppercut, (He's not very experienced in these kind of situations so it takes him some time to remember what his karate teacher taught him) and delivered it right into his double chin, sending him flying, and then sliding, a few meters across the counter. As he was sliding, he knocked over a bunch of coffee cups that were ordered and placed on the counter, but were never delivered because all of the customers and employees were already pummeled to death by a plastic lightsaber. 50 seconds remain. Coffee Guy saw (but didn't really) that there was a massive puddle of coffee and pumpkin spice latte covering the surface of the counter, which would make it hard to traverse safely without slipping. Immediately, he thought of a solution that would get him across the puddle of caffeinated drinks AND mock/humiliate Armor Guy simultaneously! Using the slippery surface to his advantage, Coffee Guy did a penguin-esque belly slide across the counter, and through the puddle with style, with inspiration taken from that dumb latex penguin mask that was concealing Armor Guy's identity. He aimed for Armor Guy's legs, and grabbed onto them as he slid between them, making him trip and faceplant into the ocean of latte on the counter. The attack also backfired somewhat, as Coffee Guy crashed head first into the cash register. Armor Guy quickly got up and held his plastic lightsaber upward, catching the light. When Coffee Guy regained his composure and focused his attention to the lightsaber, he saw (but didn't really) that it was covered in dents and blood from when he pillaged the towns with it. It registered into Coffee Guy's mind that this guy was an outlaw with Yoshikage Kira levels of experience in serial killing, and that he must be brought to justice (although he wasn't really, he just bought the lightsaber in a dark alleyway from a dude in his 50s who looked like a drug dealer, but the lightsaber's appearance gave Coffee Guy the impression that he should be frightened) before he runs for president after finding the Stand Arrow! But enough tension buildup and development. Let's get back to the fight. While Coffee Guy was distracted in his thoughts as he wondered where Armor Guy kept the separate hands of his victims, Armor Guy rapidly brandished the plastic lightsaber back and forth across his torso. Although the attack didn't as much as graze him, he reeled back at the thought that he was trading blows with a guy who wields a lightsaber. He got up, regained his composure once again, and charged forward, strategically avoiding the blade because it's a lightsaber and he doesn't want to get bzzt'd in half, and delivering another JoJo-style rush of punches, only this time it was aimed at Armor guy's face, and finished with a karate chop to the temple. 40 seconds remain. Armor guy flopped off of the counter and onto the floor. Because of his armor, he had trouble standing back up, like a turtle flopped over on its back. "A fitting predicament for him to be in", thought Coffee Guy out loud, snickering. To mock him, Coffee guy started spinning him around rapidly like a roundabout, and put all of his energy into one powerful kick, sending him sliding across the restaurant, levelling all of the tables and chairs in his path, but not before Armor Guy retracted his head and limbs into his armor to protect himself. Finally, Armor Guy crashed into a wall, pulverizing it. Of course, the armor wasn't damaged at all, and because Armor Guy was all curled up inside it, he wasn't harmed either. Not only this, but the impact was enough to flip him back over, allowing him to spring right back up and pierce Coffee Guy's eardrums with another, "MY ARMOR IS TOP CLASS". To get back at Coffee Guy, Armor Guy threw his lightsaber across the restaurant at immense speed. Aftermath Result Category:Joke One Minute Melees Category:'Anime/Manga' themed One Minute Melees Category:What-If? One Minute Melees